Jack Bauer Torture Report

Thanks to Dee Dee for this capture of Weasel’s reaction to Creepy Veepy’s affair with Assistant Jewel.

5 Kills | 0 Tortures

Man…the previously on segments are getting long enough to be their own episodes.

CTU has a lot of blue lights.

A lot.

Jack got a damn and a dammit in the same sentence.

The guard looks scared of Jack. He should be.

Anyone else notice that in HD, you can really see everyone’s pores? Creepy Veepy’s are the…um…creepiest.

I just realized that Chloe is like the female Napoleon Dynamite.

“There is no room for error.” – Nadia (right after she doesn’t allow Jack on the mission)

The Chinese must buy their black wife beaters in bulk.

Jack Jr. is back! Wow…Hot Sister in Law is way better looking than Audrey. Glad she is back and Audrey is gone.

“You are not your father.” – Hot Sister in Law (wondering how to tell Jack Jr. that he…well…has a different father)

Why did Chloe tell Marilyn about Audrey? Her social akwardness is hitting a whole new level.

Creepy Veepy is Pissedy Offy.

“I’d like to bring Josh by to see you before we go.” – Hot Sister in Law to Jack Bauer

At least if Hot Sister in Law marries Jack she won’t have to change her last name.

CTU must buy their black Ford SUV’s in bulk.

The Chinese Beefcake looks like a Asian Pierce Brosnan.

“I didn’t break up with you because of what you said, I broke up with you because of what I did.” – Morris (with the best break up line ever to Chloe)

“Let’s button things up here.” – Weasel

“We’re all doing some improvising today, sir. We all agreed it is in our best interest to keep this circle small.” – Weasel

Assistant Jewel is going to die.

“Relax – you’ve already had a shower, remember?” – Model Terrorist, trying to score for the second time in a day

Doesn’t Model Terrorist remember that “I have to freshen up” is code for “take a dump?”

“Chloe…code red emergency lock down.” – Nadia (a little too late)

Looks like the terrorists brought green lights with them.

Jack got one kill, but we’re fighting over the second. Did he kill the guy who fell into the hallway? (We checked, and we are saying the guy lived.)

2 more.

“I’m acting director of CTU.” – Milo, while looking suspiciously at Nadia…

Wow. Milo got David Palmered.

and 2 more (another tough count).

Jack has a sweet gun now.

Dang it! He ruined his sweet gun.

This feels like a good old 24 episode. Lots of split frame and killing.

Jack Jr. looks like the young Ricky Shroeder. Hmmmmm……

And Papa Bauer is back.

I called it, thank you very much.

Great job, team. I added my comments to your post.

Did everyone like the guest week? Any other ideas for contests?

BTW, I just got one of these so I will be watching 24 in 56″ HD glory next week:

Remember that contest we had? The guest report will be this coming Monday. Something to gnaw on until then.
Click the thumbnail below to view your treat.

The Jack Sack is suggesting that this year’s mole should be Chloe. Here’s his thoughts:

Okay, so this is some form of sacrilege that I’m suggesting here, I know. Chloe is a beloved character- she’s Jack’s loyal friend and go-to person in a crunch. But that’s exactly why her betrayal would be magnificent. Jack has been kicked around, tortured, killed, burned, etc. You name it, and Jack has had to endure it. And let’s add Chloe turning bad to that list because it would mess with Jack even more than some garden-variety turncoat (like Morris or Milo).

What do you think?

I know this is old school, but sometimes it’s nice to reminisce.

0 Kills | 1 Torture

This episode started with good news…President Logan didn’t shave.

If only Jack had been with President Palmer instead of President Logan…if only…

Everyone wants to talk with Tom Lennox…and poor Weasel Jr is the world’s worse liar.

Who is going to die? Will it be Tom or Weasel Jr?

Looks like it might be both.

“A guilty conscience is a fair price to pay for the security of this country.” – Weasel Jr

Weasel has redeemed himself…any suggestions for a new nickname?

“No thank you, I don’t smoke anymore.” – Newly Religious President Logan

It’s weird, but I actually kinda like President Logan now. He was willing to sacrifice a friend for the location of Gredenko. That means that he would sacrifice a friend for Jack to have someone to torture.

Wow…Fox News streaming on a Sprint phone! That’s an advertising twofer.

“The President rejected that plan.” – Hot Vice-Presidential Aide Who Looks Like Jewel With Good Teeth

“What’s your point?” – Vice President

Ooohh…Weasel is still being weasely. I guess we don’t need another nickname.

But I still like him better than the Veep.

OK…I’ll flip-flop again. Let’s give Weasel a new nickname.

Man, the Veep has a majorly sinister voice.

Apparently Jack doesn’t need his earpiece…Whoa! Jack knows Russian!

The backdoor to the Russion consulate is unlocked! How convenient.

And the Russians are talking to each other in English while Jack is talking in Russian.

I wonder if Russian torture is more painful than Chinese torture. Jack will know soon.

Unless he gets to torture a Russian. Hopefully Fox hasn’t gone soft this episode.

Apparently the Veep doesn’t know Jack.

“If Marcov is connected to these nukes, Bauer better get it out of him fast.” – Veep

Does Jack punching Marcov count as torture?

Uh oh. Marcov is as busted as his nose.

“You’re going to tell me what I want to know or you’re going to start losing your fingers one by one!” – Jack Bauer, branding a cigar cutter

And 1!

Oh, man, Jack was so dumb! What the heck?! Why did he try to walk out the door?

Now Jack is the only one who knows about Gredenko!

How long until the hot Muslim CTU chick gets unfairly arrested?

“I know you believe me.” – Jack to the Russian Donald Trump Lookalike

It’s time to call 310-597-3781 again!

I hope Donald Trump has better time getting through to that number than we did all week!

They killed Donald Trump!

If you can believe the National Inquirer (and who wouldn’t), Jack’s alter-ego Kiefer got his hands on a prototype of a Jack Bauer doll. This is what happened (thanks to Best Week Ever for the link):

“They tried to come out with one a couple of years ago and they sent it to me for my approval. We took the doll for out a night to have some fun and we’d had some drinks.

We sat it on the corner of the table.

We started torturing him around 11pm and by 2am we set him on fire in the parking lot.

We got up the next day and there was just this puddle of wax. His clothes didn’t burn, which I thought was pretty cool.”

-Kiefer Sutherland

Are you dying with anticipation, waiting for the next episode of 24 to start in 9 hours?

Well…anticipate no more! Fill the hours with the Top 24 Moments of All Time.

Who loves you, baby?

0 Kills | 0 Tortures (It’s the lame episode part of the season…gag)
BONUS FEATURE: Jack’s Dammits – 1

Jack’s brother spells his name “Graem?” No wonder he turned out to be Super Terrorist Brother!

You know…it’s almost lunch time. That begs the question…”Will Jack eat today?”

“The constitution is a wonderful thing, Karen, but back in the days of the founding fathers, the weapon at hand was a single shot musket. It took half a minute to load and fire. Fayed just killed 12,000 people in less time without even taking aim. I love the constitution but I won’t be ducking behind it when the next nuke goes off.” -Weasel

Ooh…looks like we have a sympathetic, hot Muslim working for CTU. I wonder if it was hard for Fox to bite their tongues when the Muslims were pissed the last few weeks.

Wow! Jack has been torturing his brother (by suffocating him) for over 6 minutes! That’s longer than it takes to travel across all of L.A.!

“Dammit, Grae!” – Jack Bauer

How did Grae’s Wife / Jack’s Flame not hear the torturing? Must have been the sound of her heart fluttering.

Awesome…Bill is trusting Jack to make the decision about whether or not his dad is crooked.

“If I were you, I wouldn’t talk about loyalty.” – Jack to Super Terrorist Brother

Dude…the British guy just hung up on Fayed! That takes guts.

“Is there something going on you don’t want me to know about? – CTU Guy Whose Name I Don’t Know Because He’s Unimpressive

“Yes, there is.” – Bill Buchanan

“She’s a registered Republican for crying out loud!” – CTU Guy Who I Should Be More Impressed With Because of That Witty Line

Does anyone else notice how many things have to happen “within the hour” on this show?

Wow…Karen just gave the President the best pep talk ever. Any bets on how long it will take her to make it to L.A.?

The Weasel uses a Mac, too? He’s got to die for defaming the Apple name.

Wow…Walid is a magician. Amazing slight of hand trick stealing that phone.

It’s a Sprint phone, which is probably why it holds over a hundred call in it’s recent calls list. Oh, and a fancy graphic designed scary face webpage. (This product placement brought to you by Sprint)

“Be informed we are taking Walid out!” – FBI guy just before the thugs “Take Walid out” in a different sense.

Wait a minute…where has Jack been? Has it taken him the whole episode to make it to the second floor of this building? Come on!

Jack’s dad is the farmer from Babe?

“That’ll do, Jack, that’ll do.”

Man…Jack’s mom must be short. Both her boys are way shorter than dad.

“Shut up, Dad…family…pft.” – Super Terrorist Brother