Jack Bauer Torture Report

The following tortures and kills took place between 11:00am and 12:00pm: 0 Kills | 0 Tortures

Looks like no one can find the “dark colored panel van.” Someone’s color blind.

Special Agent Cute Redhead has a vendetta against Jack. It’s just the first step toward true love.

Who uses the word “confederate?” Special Agent Close Talker does.

Tupac’s name is “Debacle?” Or is it someone else? It’s so hard to learn new names.

“What do you call this place?” – Jack
“We like to call it CTU.” – Bill

“Why the hell are you not dead?” – Jack to Tony. Is he going to ask Bill next?

Jack’s first “Dammit.”

Looks like we have another dysfunctional first family.

Blah…blah…seems like every great episode is followed by a boring one.

“Go grab your laptop, Janis, you’re going with me.” – Special Agent Cute Redhead
“I am?”

Are these guys actually considering torturing Jack?

Apparently not. They are considering having Tony kill him. That won’t do.

Bill is throwing Jack under the bus? And Jack is throwing himself under the bus?

Jack gets an assist on the kill.

“When a decision is made, fall in.” – Metrosexual Terrorist
“I’ve heard a lot of guys say that. Good to know you mean it.” – Jack Bauer

They really don’t use enough split screen anymore.

It does seem like Special Agent Cute Redhead is pro-torture. Good stuff.

Wow…and she tortures him. Maybe we could have a spinoff with her as the lead.

“I’d suggest you use your last breath wisely.” – Special Agent Cute Redhead as she kills a guy.

Bummer. That episode was a tad lame.

The following tortures and kills took place between 9:00am and 10:00am: 1 Kills | 0 Tortures

OK, seriously, the jet’s pilot looks like he has lipstick on.

Looks like Special Agent Skeptical can’t handle the pressure.

Hmmm….and it looks like Special Agent Cute Redhead may not trust Jack. Bad mistake.

Beginning to look like Tony may really be bad. This could get interesting.

Hmmm…but now Terrorist Tony doesn’t kill anyone. What is he trying to pull? A warning.

Quote of the Episode: “That was just a warning shot.” – Tony Almeida (proving we were right)

Who is this new guy? He’s kinda like a metrosexual terrorist.

Looks like the grand ole US of A is invading another country!

Hmmm…the President is showing a lot of leg.

Time to ground the planes. Did Terrorist Tony know this was coming? Was this his plan? We would get an odd pleasure if Jack has to torture the answer out of him.

Jack is give a good speech to the FBI Agent guarding him.

“It’s a gray Ford, parked next to the building.” Yup, we have a sponsor!

Special Agent Cute Redhead is going to have to start trusting Jack now. He’s the only one to trust. With her newfound respect, we may get to some torture soon!

“Is there any way to protect these systems?” – Presidential Advisor. Yes, sir, there is. And his name is Jack Bauer.

The bad guy is driving a Ford and Jack is driving a Chevy. How did that happen?

Special Agent Skeptical understands how Jack works better than Special Agent Cute Redhead does. Ooh…sounds like they are an item. Hmmm…. More conflict for Jack.

Yup…Janice is the new Chloe.

Is Jack wearing his one outfit of the show? It’s not cool enough. Shame. And where’s the Jack Sack?

The side story with the President’s son is boring so I have nothing to write about.

We have a punch…will it become torture?

Special Agent Cute Redhead gets a kill!

Who got the next kill? Upon further review, Jack shot first. It’s his kill. And so it begins.

Will Jack shoot Tony? Too early in the season.

And we have a Jack / Tony fight!

And we have a Jack victory.

Our friends over at Blogs4Bauer are still calling for TLJBD2008. I just thought I’d inform the few of you who still read this site during the strike.

From the folks over at blogs.4bauer:

A

stupid little contract dispute

long overdue labor dispute has killed Jack Bauer. Something that nuclear blasts, CAIR, Russian separatists, drug cartels, overdoses, a shooter on the roof, Nina Myers, Kim Bauer, bombs, viruses, nuclear meltdown, President Logan, bullets, poison gas, an airplane with no pilot, guns, torture, black helicopters, other Bauers, Marwan, moles, CTU, the government, one human rights lawyer, Audrey, Behrooz, Middle Eastern terrorists, lesbians, and even death (twice) could not do.

Anyone still have the RSS feed live on this site?

If so, check out this press release my friend who works for Fox sent me.

I know it kinda goes against my “no spoilers rule,” but that just applies during the season…

24 RESETS THE CLOCK FOR SEASON SEVEN
WITH TWO-NIGHT PREMIERE EVENT
SUNDAY, JAN. 13, AND MONDAY, JAN. 14, ON FOX

CTU Disbanded, Set in Washington, DC;
Fan-Favorite “Tony Almeida” Returns

“Day 7″ to Air All Originals All Season into June

The innovative, addictive, Emmy Award-winning television series 24
resets the clock for Season Seven with a special two-night premiere
event Sunday, Jan. 13 (8:00-10:00 PM ET/PT) and Monday, Jan. 14
(9:00-10:00 PM ET/PT) on FOX.

In keeping with FOX’s commitment to airing original programming
year-round, the intense season will unfold in 24’s regular 9:00-10:00 PM
ET/PT time period beginning Monday, Jan. 14, and will continue to air
all originals all season into June.

“Day 7″ of 24 will continue the show’s unique and trend-setting format
with compelling new elements. With CTU dismantled, the show’s setting
moves to Washington, DC, where JACK BAUER (Kiefer Sutherland) faces
trial for his actions in the pursuit of justice. Bauer’s day gets off to
a shocking start when former colleague TONY ALMEIDA (Carlos Bernard),
last seen in “Day 5,” returns after being left for dead by a terrorist
conspirator in CTU’s infirmary.

“Tony’s uncertain fate near the end of ‘Day 5′ left the door open for
his return,” said executive producer/show-runner Howard Gordon. “And
since there was no silent clock at the conclusion of his last appearance
– the 24 tribute to a major character’s demise – we always kept this as
a possibility.”

Bernard’s return highlights a list of notable cast members clocking in
for Season Seven, including the previously announced Cherry Jones (”The
Heiress”) as President ALLISON TAYLOR and Janeane Garofalo (”The Larry
Sanders Show”) as FBI Agent JANIS GOLD. Colm Feore (”Bury My Heart At
Wounded Knee”) will play First Gentleman HENRY TAYLOR and Bob Gunton
(”Desperate Housewives”) is White House Chief of Staff ETHAN KANIN.

FBI Agents assigned to the team investigating the crisis befalling Bauer
include Garofalo’s Agent Gold in addition to Annie Wersching (”General
Hospital”) as Agent RENEE WALKER, Jeffrey Nordling (”Dirt”) as Agent
LARRY MOSS and Rhys Coiro (”Entourage”) as Agent SEAN HILLINGER. John
Billingsley (PRISON BREAK) portrays security specialist MICHAEL LATHAM.
Although CTU is no longer, CHLOE O’BRIAN (Mary Lynn Rajskub) and BILL
BUCHANAN (James Morrison) are back for another momentous day of shocking
events.

As part of News Corp.’s global commitment to fighting climate change, 24
has pledged significant and innovative changes to its production
practices with the goal of saving energy and reducing carbon emissions.
Created by Joel Surnow and Robert Cochran, 24 is a production of Real
Time Productions and Imagine Television in association with 20th Century
Fox Television. Joel Surnow, Robert Cochran, Howard Gordon, Evan Katz,
Jon Cassar, Manny Coto, David Fury, Kiefer Sutherland and Brian Grazer
are the executive producers.

0 Kills | 0 Tortures

“We need to go through the motions of handing you over to him.” – Ricky to Jack Jr (with a strategy we know never works)

They think an SUV will hold Jack? Especially when he has Chloe on speed dial?

So earlier in the day the US threatened to attack another country and now another country is threatening to attack the US. Boring.

“I just got off the phoen with Jack Bauer.” – Karen

“I thought he was under arrest.” – Weasel

“He is, but he called me…He’s Philip Bauer’s son and he’s been right more than we have today.” – Karen

What’s in the photo album, Bill? Special pictures from the honeymoon?

Alright! Karen has asked Bill to do “whatever it takes.” That better involve Jack, torture, and killing.

Man…Nadia really does look better with the black turtleneck on.

What the? Ricky checked one bush to make sure it was safe before bringing Jack Jr out of the chopper? He is no Jack.

Hopefully Ricky put his phone on mute before yelling over the com to CTU with his secret plans.

Every component in the world has either PDA or a Sprint capability.

“94ACN” – This is the security code to monitor the internal system at CTU. That, my friends, is some killer encryption. I think my home network is more secure.

No wonder Chloe and Morris have been fighting. She has an Apple and he has a Dell.

I actually love Chloe and Morris’ fights.

Wow…now Morris and Ricky are fighting. It’s not as good as Chloe, though.

Escaping was way too easy for Jack.

“Mr. Buchanan? What the hell are you doing?” – Unnamed CTU Agent…no wait, his name is Turner

“Morris…find out who that is.” – Nadia jealously says about the hot guy Chloe is cuddling with

Nadia’s in love.

***TANGENT: My kids are playing in the basement with friends and I just heard my 8 year old yell, “I get to be Jack Bauer!” I’m so proud.***

Chloe is really begging to be fired.

Jack Bauer + Bill Buchanan + Karen Hayes = Ricky’s Worst Nightmare

“Is my Uncle Daddy coming?” – What Jack Jr is thinking

“Never negotiate with a sociopath…Philip Bauer is a sociopath.” – Karen making sure Creepy Veepy gets what she is saying

He said “walk to the water,” Ricky, not “jog to the water.” I can’t believe you’re already disobeying.

**BOOM!** They could have just shot Ricky, but they went with the face bomb. Wow

Jack just kicked sand in Ricky’s bloody face.

Wait a minute! Early in the day Gredenko cut off his arm because of a tracking device. Now Jack Jr can have his “shorted out?” Lame… I wanted to see Jack Jr with a bloody stump.

Is Creepy Veep going to become a good guy?

Sweet…Ricky is going to be blind. Or he’ll have a sweet eye patch. Either way, I don’t see him ever replacing Jack.

Jack and his dad just had a Luke and Darth Vader Moment. Something is happening with The Force.

Either Chloe is pregnant, has the West Nile, or she is connected to Jack and his dad with The Force.

At least 6 Kills | 0 Tortures

OK…we better wrap this up with a couple good kills and at least one amazing torture. And I’m hoping for a Chinese torture.

Morris is about to find out that he’s a Daddy. Doesn’t he know that Chloe’s love language is helping Jack. If Morris really loved her, he’d go help Jack.

Obliterate the oil rig! Obliterate up the oil rig! Jack will survive and that’s all that counts.

“Get the kid, Jack. Get the kid.” – Ricky to Jack Bauer

“Jack, don’t even think about it.” – Bill knowing full well he’s going to help Jack

“I’m not going to do something because it’s my nephew…I’m going to do something because it’s an innocent kid.” – Jack Bauer

Jack has a new bag. This one’s black.

The Russians use Dells, as well. They must be bad.

At least Jack is calling in to let them know what he is doing…will Nadia finally realize that she needs to trust Jack?

“We don’t need your authorization, Nadia, we need your help.” – Jack Bauer

Jack’s chopper is slower than his dad’s little boat was.

Why did Cheng give Jack’s dad the component? He couldn’t hold it and a gun at the same time?

2-3 kills at least! Holy crap! How many kills in that blast? ARGGGG! How do we count those? I’ll go back and check those later. (UPDATE: I THINK FOX READS MY SITE AND WANTED TO MAKE THIS LAST EPISODE DIFFICULT FOR ME TO COUNT…I’m going to say at least one kill in the blast).

And another kill! At least that one was easy…and another.

The killing is a beautiful thing.

Go Jack Jr! Kill Grandpa!

Yes! Jack Jr gets a shot off!

“I’ve been exactly where you are and I know exactly how you feel…” and then some garbage about not feeling good about killing bad people… – Jack to Jack Jr

8 Missles! Awesome!

“I’ve got Jack and his nephew and Chang in custody.” – Bill Buchanan with the “nah nah boo boo” quote of the show

“What the hell happened?” – Bill

“He fell…my Uncle Jack fell!” – Jack Jr

“Jack’s not ready to go back yet.” – Bill Buchanan

OK…what are the loose ends here? Chloe’s Pregnancy, Audrey, President Palmer, The Logans, Karen Hayes?? How can they wrap all these up in the next 25 minutes?

“That’s good cause I’m pregnant.” – Chloe

“You mean like with child?” – Morris

“That’s usually how it works…You know, this is a nice moment. Let’s not ruin it by saying something stupid.” – Chloe

“You know, Karen, I think I’m going to miss you.” – Weasel

“Really?” – Karen

“I can answer that better after you have gone.” – Weasel

Jack is getting in the longest monologue of the season right now.

“If you send someone after us, I’ll kill him. I’m pretty good at that, too.” – Jack Bauer

Jack, Jack, Jack…with all your options! You’re going back to Audrey?

He’s “letting her go” now. Man, he keeps changing his mind and mood. Is Jack PMSing?

What a lame ending. They could have had Jack kill himself and then they could have done a prequel or something. That would have been better than this ending!

I hate to do this, but the final installment of the JBTR for the year will be delayed.

I am writing this message a thousand miles from home at a conference. Unfortunately, at this particular conference I am slated to speak precisely while the final episodes are airing.

I know…it’s unfathomable that anything would be scheduled during those precious hours.

But alas, it is. Which means I will not get a chance to watch tonight’s episode until **GASP** tomorrow.

So, the report will be delayed a day.

Sorry for any inconvenience.

(Via eonline)

In recent weeks, producers have hinted that the seventh season, to debut in January 2008 and run uninterrupted through May, will attempt to retool the show.

“We’re recreating the series,” exec producer and showrunner Howard Gordon tells Variety. “It is going to be a real-time thriller. Beyond that, it’s an open book.”

0 Tortures | 5 Kills

Doesn’t Pierce Bros-Chan know that beating up Hot Sister in Law just pisses Jack off?

And doesn’t he know that taking Jack Jr into the sewer is asking for trouble?

Is anyone else expecting Rapheal and Donatelo to come around the corner to save Jack Jr?

So with all the people Jack could recruit to help, he chose Nadia? What about Morris…or Chloe? Did he forget about Chloe and the automatic weapon? Let’s refresh everyone’s memory:

Jack gets a kill!

Oh…and…the…second…best…choking…kill…ever…and Pierce Bros-Chan is dead. Dang it…I just gave him a cool nickname, too.

Wow…Nadia and Jack were kicking ass while Morris struggled to take down one guy. Jack chose wisely.

“Ok, I’ll release you Jack, but Doyle’s in charge.” – Nadia, still not getting it

Jack Jr combed his hair…now he looks even more like Ricky.

Jack gets another kill in the SUV!

Yeah! And a sliding kill!

And a running kill!

This is the killingest episode in a long long time — hopefully we’ll get to some torture soon.

Wow. Jack Jr gets a hit in! He definitely the spawn of Jack.

Jack saves him. I wonder what it feels like to save your own son.

Looks like we have a family feud. Jack and Jack Jr vs. Grandpa Bauer

Does saying “Josh, think!” count as torture?

“Your father’s involved with the Chinese? Why?” – Ricky

“I don’t know. I’ll ask him when I find him.” – Jack Bauer

“Needless to say…I am ashamed.” – Creepy Veepy

“And finally, we’re done.” – Weasel after watching Assistant Jewel’s marathon sex (remember last time it took a couple minutes…this time it took at least a half hour)

Assistant Jewel is such a bad liar even after all the time she has spent lying to Creepy Veepy.

Too bad Jack isn’t there to torture Model Terrorist…Weasel’s gonna have to do it.

Whoever is in charge of “securing the perimeters” needs to be fired. The terrorists always get through.

This guy from Divisin is suspicious…and Nadia changed clothes and looks good in all black.

Is Morris hitting on Nadia? He must have noticed the change in clothes.

Creepy Veepy is still in love. “Creepy Veepy and Assistant Jewel sitting in a tree…”

Karen is encouraging Creepy Veepy the way Chloe would with a different tone of voice.

“That’s all he said?” – Hot Sister in Law says suspiciously about Grandpa Bauer

Awesome. Subarov just outsmarted Creepy Veepy.

“If you do not provide proof within 2 hours…” – Subarov says two hours from the end of the season

“We’re about to go to war over a piece of circuitry.” – Creepy Veepy

Conveniently, Weasel has the blueprints of “the component” with a blinking serial number on it on his PDA.

“Get me CTU.” – Creepy Veepy

Wait a minute. Jack can kill 35 people this season and not escape from half a dozen CTU agents who are holding him back?