OK, let’s keep the torture and killing coming, Jack.

So President Weasel finally selected a tie.

Looks like he had a stroke to go with his new tie.

“This guys out for blood.” – Yes he is, yes he is.

“I can get you as far as a pay phone. After that, you are on your own.” – Jack Bauer, not realizing there is no such thing as a pay phone anymore

“Have you forgotten freedom of the press is a constitutional right?” – Madame President
“You’re the President.” – President Weasel

Seriously, President Weasel is a snake. He’s like a President Snake Weasel.

Madame President’s face got white and President Snake Weasel’s face got red.

“Jack did this and you still think you’re going to talk him down?” – Agent Creeper to Director Chloe

Mr. Blonde knows as much as Director Chloe does about computers. He can download the Secret Service’s files to Jack’s tablet.

Where is Jack going to get some bananas? The man needs potassium!

Tim, Tim, Tim…you should have resigned instead of obeyed an unconstitutional order. That’s what Ethan would have done.

The Reporter Chick (we can’t remember her nickname) has guts. She told her editor to meet her at a place he hates.

And there’s Jack’s batman mask. Nope, it’s his Snake Eyes mask. This is going to get beautiful.

Doesn’t President Weasel realize Jack is going to find him first?

“That’s Jack Bauer…it’s got to be…didn’t you hear what I said? That’s Jack Bauer!” – President Snake Weasel, as he craps his pants.

Did Jack just kill that Secret Service man? Nope…

Amazing that no one has made it to help President Weasel yet. Not that we’re complaining.

“You didn’t hear? Jack Bauer just kidnapped Charles Logan.” – Random CTU Agent
“How the hell did he pull that off?” – Agent Creeper

CTU has schematics to everything.

Jack Bauer doesn’t even need to torture President Weasel to get him to talk. Not sure if we can count this one, but we want to.

Who is Chloe sending? Please say Tony. Nope, it’s Freddie.

“I’m still Provisional Director of Operations, I don’t need his consent.” – Provisional Director of Operations Chloe

Jack’s going to be the new driver, isn’t he? Yes, yes he is.

Does that count as torture? We’re going with “yes.”

The Terminator music is back. And two more kills to round out the hour. And three…was that a kill? We think so.

“He shot Secret Service Agents.” – Special Agent Freddie
“He shot to wound.” – Provisional Director of Operations Chloe

Madame President, you are no David Palmer.

4 more bodies? When will it be 5?

“There’s nothing more dangerous than a wounded animal.” – Mr. Russian President

Beautiful Jack, beautiful.

How does Madame President feel about being called a woman of “integrity”?

“What a magnificent woman.” – President Weasel making us throw up a little in our mouths

President Weasel has a wee bit of rouge on his cheeks today.

We would like to reiterate that we only like torture when Jack Bauer is doing it.

There’s rain on the car but not on Jack. Only Special Agent Red Hot (may she rest in peace) can make him dewey.

Who leaves palettes all over their roof?

It’s taking Jack longer to walk from the roof into the building than it took for the President to drive from the UN to CTU.

Jack does a terrible imitation of a black agent.

“You won’t take the shot. It’s too risky. I’ll kill her before you…” – Private Security Mustache’s Last Words

1 Kill.

And 2 and 3.

DangerStrangler® has dry hair and a dry shirt.

If you think waterboarding is bad, wait to see what Jack does next, lady.

No one pushes Jack Bauer, Special Agent Freddie. No one.

This is one long press conference.

Doesn’t Madame President know what happens when you deny Jack Bauer’s will?

“Do you have me on speaker, Charles? Pick up the damn phone. – Madame President

“So you expect me to kill Bauer for you.” – Russian Dude whose Nickname we have forgotten

“You’re hurting me.” – DangerStrangler®
“You’ll live.” – Special Agent Freddie

Chloe doesn’t trust fake blondes anymore.

Is the guy DangerStrangler® killed still in the wall at CTU? Will he ever be found?

Wow. DangerStrangler® is one of the most dangerous baddies we’ve ever seen.

The bank has some pretty HiDef surveillance cameras.

“Do you know who I am?” – Jack Bauer
“Yes.” – Random Cop

At least Jack apologizes before shooting a cop in the foot.

No one can see DangerStrangler®’s gun?

DangerStrangler® waits until she gets to a construction site to take off her shoes?

Jack’s been counting bullets. He would do great in Vegas.

Wow. A cold blooded kill.

And DangerStrangler® doesn’t get the silent clock.

Chloe’s hair looks different. It’s sleeker…

What upscale hotel has old wooden windows like that?

“This is a CTU operation!” – Jack Bauer
“I’m going in.” – Sergeant Joe Torre

It’s amazing Jack never says “I told you so.”

The NYPD are dolts. And apparently they use sub-par bulletproof vests.

Good thing there’s only one Yellow Cab in all of New York.

No bother searching anymore because Jack says they are gone.

So how long before Special Agent Cocktail Dress has to deal with Corrections Officer Jimmy James?

Apparently not too long at all.

And she has a new name…Special Agent Not Enough Buttons On Her Shirt.

“We’re in the middle of a national security emergency, I have to get back to work.” – Special Agent Not Enough Buttons, who couldn’t think of “It’s 3:15 in the morning, can’t we talk about this tomorrow?”

Chloe is not pleased with her team.

And how exactly are they sending President Slumdog this IP address?

Jack should be able to figure out with “File 33″ is…or at least torture it out of someone! Oh where oh where has our old Jack gone?

Awesome: the password was right to left.

How did Director Bubba identify the file so quickly?

“With all due respect, Madame, YOU brought this threat to MY country.” – Jack Bauer, who is proud to be an American

It appears that IRK Male Model Security Dude actually loves the First Daughter. Didn’t see that coming.

Can’t believe someone would allow Jimmy James to wander around CTU with such a high threat level in effect.

“A hundred Gig thumbdrive?” We want one of those…and we’re willing to take it off of Special Agent Not Enough Button’s dead body when her story line is finally killed off.

Please, for the love of Chloe, can we please kill off the Hillbilly Storyline?

And now, we move from the Hillbilly Soap Opera to the IRK Soap Opera.

There are so many people we want to see Jack Bauer torture and/or kill, yet they are fine.

“What did the building look like?” – Jack
“It was dark. It was empty. It had a vault.” – First Daughter
And apparently that’s enough for Chloe to go on to find the place in 3 seconds.

Chloe has a schematic to every building in the country.

Seriously, where’s Jack’s backup?

Amazing that Director Bubba doesn’t want to know who Jimmy James is.

Equally amazing that Jack’s backup waited for him to come out of the building before they chased the terrorists.

Goodbye, CTU. At least Special Agent Not Enough Buttons is in the clear…her files should be erased now.

Old school wired ear piece: another reason Jack is awesome.
RP7 is only used for surface to surface missiles and they conveniently label the trucks “RP7.” Why not just paint “Surface to Surface Missile Fuel” on the side of the truck?
“Madame President, we need to talk.” – Jack Bauer
“No, Mr. Bauer, we don’t.” – MP (how dare she)

Is Jack going to the White House to help MP out? Please please please. That means some torture may be coming before he dies.

“I ordered Tony exfiltrated…what’s he doing there?” – MP, using a phrase we had to Google

Plausible Deniability, MP, Plausible Deniability.

“Look how easy it was to get bio weapons into our country.” – Bad Jonas Brother, as he blackmails MP
“Pick up the document, Madame President.” – Oh no you didn’t.

Oh Snap, Tony.

Just drive the truck over the missiles.

Nice work, Tony, nice work.

Where’s Perimeter Search Guy?

Wait a minute…the President doesn’t leave the room; those meeting with her do. This doesn’t bode well.
“You are a terrorist and a murderer and I will do everything in my power to make sure you pay dearly for your crimes.” – MP

And the Bad Jonas Brother isn’t the top bad guy…we have another. This is 24 form at its finest.

“Your visitor is here.” Kim?

Yup.

And now we reintroduce Hot CDC Doc. Even dying, Jack has his love interests. Hopefully the disease doesn’t turn him into a pansy.

“Daddy…” Awwww… On a side note, Kim bought some adult clothes. Good for her. She’s all growed up.

Shoot us now before we have to watch any more of this Soap Opera. Just break out the needles and take some of Kim’s stem cells already.

Oh Snap Again. Perimeter Search Guy is back. The agent trying to arrest him is like a Red Shirt Ensign on Star Trek. You know it’s only a matter of time before he’s dead.

And Red Shirt Ensign’s dead.

If Chloe was there, she would have located the truck already.

Looks like Perimeter Search Guy wants to chopper. Wait for it.

Oh Triple Snap. Tony! Best 24 twist ever!

OK, all, let’s vote. Is Tony bad for reals?

New Chloe is slowing transitioning to CTU. She now has the only Mac in a line of PCs.

Terrorist Voight is acting very Saddamesque: “WMDs? What WMDs?”

Is it possible to get Jack to Starkwood in 5 minutes? This could all be over so we can watch the MSU game…

Amazing how fast Jack can find an ally.

Tony’s very sneaky. What did he take off that dude?

“Doug Knowles…Jack Bauer sent me.” – The magic words.

Uh oh…Jack’s dying.

On a completely unrelated note, where’s Chloe? We miss Chloe.

The military is several hours out? This is happening in freaking Washington DC? Seriously?

“How you feeling, pumpkin?” – Madame President is like a President and a mom all wrapped up in one.
And First Daughter is being black mailed? Oh how sweet.

“There should be an R6 key thingamagiger…” – New Chloe
“I know what it is.” – Tony being very pissy, but we love it
Where’s Chloe? It would have been done already if Chloe were on that Mac.

Knowles is a good man.

“He have an explanation?” – Terrorist Voight
“Yeah, he said he was walking.”
Best. Excuse. Ever.

First Daughter…tsk tsk. Reporter Dude must really have something on her.

OK…now he’s Creepy Reporter Dude.

Now we have a slim chance Jack will live and it means bringing Kim back. Decisions, decisions.

Amazing that Tony is shocked that they know where he is. He used a key card for crying out loud!

Should we start counting Tony’s kills and tortures as Jack’s proxy? Oh…he has a Jack Sack now, too!

Should we give Jack a torture count (against himself) for refusing treatment?

“We have no information on subterranean floors in that building.” – New Chloe
“Trust me, they’re here.” – Tony

“Jonas…you can’t take on the Federal Government.” – Knowles’You never one for thinking big.” – Terrorist Voight

Ouch. That’s Waterford Crystal for ya. Strong stuff.

“You’re a good sport taking one for the team like this.” – Creepy Reporter Dude is really bad at pillow talk

What? He’s living up to his name.

Aaron’s been a Secret Service Agent long enough…he knows what just went down.

Oooohhh….look at the pretty rockets.

A proprietary line? We don’t know what it is, but we want one.

This episode brought to you by Sprint.

Is Terrorist Voight the Bad Jonas Brother? Yes, we believe that’s his new nickname.

And Madame President calls off the airstrike.

Awkward.

We present, the best PSA ever…on so many levels.

24 Going Green PSA – Mary Lynn Rajskub

Apparently President Obama forgot 24 was on. He ran a few minutes over.

You can tell Chevy is not a sponsor because the Impala is dirty.

Interesting. This season the news channel is a made up one instead of Fox News.

Why did that Korean Grocer look suspiciously at Debacle Vader? Is he racist?

“Well done, Special Agent I Forgot Your Name.” – Debacle Vader
“I have to go now.” – Special Agent I Forgot Your Name

Washington DC Time truly is on CTU Time. It took less than 10 minutes for Jack and his team to arrive at the White House.

Madame President is showing leg again.

Quote of the Episode: “Have a seat.” – Madame President as she stands up.
The First Gentleman is a pansie.

And Madame President has cahones.

The Veep is one sneaky sneaky man. We don’t like him.

Quote of the Episode: “How can I be sure about your true loyalties?” – Madame President”With all due respect, Madame President, ask around.” – Jack Bauer

This week’s musical theme: X-Files

Jack’s going to torture an 11 month old? Looks like Jack is taking this to a whole ‘notha level.

Conversation of the Episode:”Renee will not end up like you.” – Special Agent Close Talker
“Are you going to give me your keys or not?” – Jack Bauer
“The rules are what makes us better.” – Special Agent Close Talker
“Not today.” – Jack Bauer

Did Bill’s scruff get shorter this hour?

That baby is going to be so easy to crack. He’s crying even before Jack gets there to torture him.

Jack’s driving a clean Ford. Just sayin’.

How are there no people on the street where Jack crashed into Special Agent I Forgot Your Name?
“There’s a woman with a gun and she’s threatening to kill me.” – Wife of Special Agent Formerly “I Forgot Your Name”
“Why is Connor Crying?” – Special Agent Dense Father
Wait for it… Wait for it… I think we have a Tentative Kill…Special Agent Dense Father is a goner.

And now Jack is rolling in a Caddy. He knows how to pick a car. When his team picks one, it’s a Dark Panel Van.

Seriously? You think that looks like the PM? Do all Black Prime Ministers look alike? This is the racist episode.

Jack confirms the kill…and throws down the gauntlet with Special Agent Red Hot. She’ll stay in…until tomorrow.

How long will it take to get to the First Gentleman? Until next hour, of course. CTU time slows down to build dramatic tension.
“Just break up with her and it will be over.” – Great, now Debacle Vader has more to do. Not like he didn’t have enough on his to do list.

Looks like Jack has the Jack Strap back!

Quote of the Episode: “You do one thing I don’t like and I’ll blow your head off, understand me?” – Jack to the Korean Grocer

Oh man, so glad we have an ASL interpreter with us watching the show, otherwise we never would have understood Jack’s sign language.

OK, we had to count 4 times, but it looks like SARH gets 1 kill and Jack gets 4.

Lunch time!

That raises the question: will Jack Bauer use the bathroom today?

Who is this new dude? Wasn’t he on NYPDCSIS or something?

Quote of the Episode: “I’m in the middle of a field op, Erica, I don’t have time for this.” – Special Agent Close Talker

Question of the Day: Special Agent Close Talker to Special Agent Cute Redhead: “What were you thinking?”
Answer she should have given: “I asked myself, ‘WWJD?’”

We have a cute rogue agent!

Man…that dude is really sweaty.

Seriously? “Call from F.B.I.”? Really? It’s programmed into your phone like that?

This episode brought to you by Ford Trucks.

Jack’s cleaning the ductwork.

You know…the gas could be stopped simply by closing the vent.

New Chloe really truly is the new Chloe.

Well…Jack is gassing a few innocent people to death, but we can’t in good conscience count it as torture. Sorry folks.

Halloween music last week, slow groovin’ techno this week.

Just realized one of the guys on the terrorist crew looks like Adam Lavine.

Quote of the Episode 2: “Shut up or I will shut you up.” – Jack to his future wife Special Agent Cute Terrorist. What he’s thinking: “Yes, I am a lying son of a bitch, but you will love me by the end of the day.”

Looks like we traded in the “dark panel van” for a bright yellow truck. From subtle to subtler.

Historic Quote of the Episode: “Presidents don’t make new friends, that’s why they lean on old ones.” – Madame President

Wait a minute…Slimy Analyst isn’t just an item with his wife, New Chloe or Special Agent Cute Redhead but with Erica the Blonde Analyst too. How does he get so many ladies?

Back to the Halloween Music.

Anyone know what C.I.P. stands for?

What’s with the latex gloves? Examination time? OCD? Murder?

Get him with the coffee! No! He got you with the coffee! Cruel twist of fate.

This new FBI guy is shmarmy. Too many new characters.

Looks like this episode is sponsored by Coffee Beanery. 2 cups on set so far.

Jack Bauer better start up with the killing soon. All this riding around in a truck is boring.
“You can either walk or I can drag you.” – Jack continues to sweet talk his love interest before he fake kills her.

Convenient shovels. Oh the sweet irony if she suffocates.

Wait! No ticking sound effects with the last timer! That usually means a main character died! Hmmm…..

JackBauerTortureReport.com

To get this banner on your website, just cut and paste this code:

Terrorist Tony is going to be “formally interrogated?” We hope that means what we think that means.

OK, now we get the Africa connection…but what’s the Tony connection?

Who can rebuild a firewall within an hour instead of days? We can only think of one living* person: Chloe.

*R.I.P. Edgar Stiles

“Excuse me. This conversation is private.” – How dare you say that to Jack Bauer!

We finally have a name for the snarky FBI guy: “Special Agent Close Talker.”

Quote of the Episode: “I’m gonna have to lift up your shirt.” – New Chloe to Terrorist Tony

What’s with all the Halloween music this season?

Wait…is the African Dictator’s name Tupac? It is now.

Oh…this is going to be beautiful. Jack is going in to see Terrorist Tony.

Quote of the Episode: “Why don’t you save yourself some time…and pain?” – Jack to Terrorist Tony.

“So help me, I will kill you and you will stay dead this time.” – Jack to Terrorist Tony as he begins his first torture session.

Bill!

Everyone is alive! If they bring Edgar back to life, we are going to be so very happy.

Chloe!

And she says Terrorist Tony is really Undercover Tony.

Hate to be callous, but the President’s son’s story is still boring.

How did the First Gentleman score a “Dammit” before Jack did? And Special Agent Cute Redhead had one last hour. What is happening to this world?

Notice when the President is a woman, there are flowers in the Oval Office. No cigars, though. Just sayin’.

Bill has never looked better. The unshaven look is good for him.

“I saw the hearings on C-SPAN and I can’t believe what the Senators said to you.” – Chloe’s way of saying “Hi” to Jack.

We like the New Chloe. We need a new nickname for Janice, but this fits so well.

Oh great…now the President’s son’s murder is getting moderately interesting.

How wears a Bluetooth headset while conducting an interrogation? Special Agent Close Talker does.

“We need a more forceful approach.” – Special Agent Cute Redhead. It’s a shame that the first bit of torture may be against Undercover Tony just as we find out he is a good guy.

What? New Chloe spells her name “Janis?”

Janis scores a “Dammit.”

“Don’t fight it.” – Jack to Special Agent Cute Redhead as he puts her in a sleeper hold. Doesn’t Jack realize she is his love interest?

Where did Jack find his Jack Sack? And is that a new leather one?

Good to see Jack punch Special Agent Close Talker. That’s what you get for standing so close!

FBI agents use Dell computers. CTU agents used Apple computers. I think we know who the good guys are.

Oh man, Chloe vs. Janis. The ultimate Death Match!

“Someone at FBI is blocking my every move. It’s really starting to piss me off.” – Chloe talking about Janis. The smackdown is coming!

Now we have some good music. A little more bass, a little less spooky.

Undercover Tony jumps like Jackie Chan!

Way to pick a nondescript van, Bill.

Quote of the Episode – “This is going to hurt.” Jack to himself.

That was seriously one of the best episodes ever. That’s what happens when you have 18 months to write it.